Good Day, Chuck from The Morning Point, here, at the news desk with this update.....
Since I spoke to you this morning about the possibility of a cornerstone of American Culture's fate in uncertain times, letters have been pouring in from across the globe in a public outcry surrounding the bankruptcy filing and possible liquidation of Hostess cake makers entire brand line of delicious and mysterious confectionery genius....including, seen to my left, The Twinkie.
Thousands of you have responded to this crisis. The correspondence comes to me laced with words and phrases like "unbelievable", "inconceivable", and "are you (expletive) KIDDING ME, CHUCK?!?!?!"
....and I can assure you , I am not kidding you, America.
I cried the same agonizing words and phrases this morning as I paced my office in sheer disbelief that an elongated yellow marvel of my youth could not even outlast the career of other such icons as Dick Clark and the seemingly stop-less Kardashians. ...the Kardashians would outlive the Twinkie?!?!?! IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
But, alas...even in my moments of despair, I found a fundamental ability I had almost forgotten; a thing, which to I myself had become blind to...that thing, is called choice. I could sit and choose to watch the Twinkie disappear or I could do something about the situation.
As this burning of realizing that as an American I could do something other than complain when things went against my wishes....I felt another feeling begin to rise in my back...could it be? Was this actually happening?
I put my hand between my shoulders and felt the center most part of my back. There was something hard there...hard, that went from the top of my rear end right on up and through my neck. IT WAS A SPINE.
I thought, with this ability to choose... and this spine...I may actually be able to do something...I may be able to change the course of events. I have a voice...and a choice!
...I can work, I can make decisions and by heaven, I am one heck of a motivator ...I CAN FIX THIS. I CAN CHOOSE TO MAKE THINGS HOW I WANT THEM TO BE...I CAN BE PART OF....THE SOLUTION.
It was in that moment, that I took to my social media arms with this strong letter to Hostess Inc.
Folks, Twinkies are on the endangered species list.
As Hostess files for Bankruptcy protection, a cornerstone of the American Culture risks being divested and sold off to some sub-company who would invariably screw it up forever as they tried to make em even cheaper.
Here is my offer:
I will step in as temporary CEO and get this company back on it's feet. First move...
1. Slim the brands.
2. Take it back to three premiere items and lose the wonder bread line, the market is too saturated in breads...don't even try to compete with Martin's Potato Bread...it's futile.
3. Co-brand Twinkies with kids and men 20-40 like it was your job.
4. Bring Back "Twinkie the Kid" ...don't give em some new name...he's a talking Twinkie with a cowboy hat that shows up at awkward places...make it happen and embrace it.
5. Say it with me.... "is that a Twinkie in your pocket or...why yes, it is a Twinkie!"
Dear Hostess...I will not ask for one dollar in payment as interim C.E.O....but I will not see the Twinkie disappear. ...at the ready...and ready, to save the Twinkies. I'm your man...call me.